Omniomania (compulsive shopping or shopping addiction)

This is perhaps the most socially reinforced of the behavioural addictions.

We are surrounded by advertising, telling us that buying will make us

happy. We are encouraged by politicians to spend as a way of boosting

the economy. And we all want to have what those around us have –-

consumerism has become a measure of our social worth.

Although widespread consumerism has escalated in recent years, shopping addiction is not a new disorder. It was recognised as far back as the early nineteenth century, and was cited as a psychiatric disorder in the early twentieth century.

Almost everyone shops to some degree, but only about 6% of the Australian population is thought to have a shopping addiction. Usually beginning in the late teens and early adulthood, shopping addiction often co-occurs with other disorders, including mood and anxiety disorders, substance use disorders, eating disorders, other impulse control disorders, and personality disorders.

Normal Shopping v. Shopping Addiction   

So what makes the difference between normal shopping, occasional

splurges, and shopping addiction? As with all addictions, shopping becomes the person’s main way of coping with stress, to the point where they continue to shop excessively even when it is clearly having a negative impact on other areas of their life. As with other addictions, finances and relationships are damaged, yet the shopping addict feels unable to stop or even control their spending.

The Controversy of Shopping Addiction

Like other behavioural addictions, shopping addiction is a controversial idea. Many experts balk at the idea that excessive spending can constitute an addiction, believing that there has to be a psychoactive substance which produces symptoms such as physical tolerance and withdrawal for an activity to be a true addiction.

There is also some disagreement among professionals about whether compulsive shopping should be considered an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), impulse control disorder (like pathological gambling), mood disorder (like depression), or addiction. It has been suggested that, along with kleptomania (compulsive stealing) and binge-eating disorder (BED), it be viewed as an impulsive-compulsive spectrum disorder.

How Is Shopping Addiction Like Other Addictions?

There are several characteristics that shopping addiction shares with other addictions. As with other addictions, shopping addicts become preoccupied with spending, and devote significant time and money to the activity. Actual spending is important to the process of shopping addiction; window

shopping does not constitute an addiction, and the addictive pattern is actually driven by the process of spending money.

As with other addictions, shopping addiction is highly ritualised and follows a typically addictive pattern of thoughts about shopping, planning shopping trips, and the shopping act itself, often described as pleasurable, ecstatic even, and as providing relief from negative feelings. Finally, the shopper

crashes, with feelings of disappointment, particularly with the themselves.

Compulsive shoppers use shopping as a way of escaping negative feelings, such as depression, anxiety, boredom, self-critical thoughts, and anger.

Unfortunately, the escape is short-lived. The purchases are often simply hoarded unused, and compulsive shoppers will then begin to plan the next spending spree. Most shop alone, although some shop with others who enjoy it. Generally, it will lead to embarrassment to shop with people who don’t share this type of enthusiasm for shopping.

What If I Have a Shopping Addiction?

Research indicates that around three-quarters of compulsive shoppers are willing to admit their shopping is problematic, particularly in areas of finances and relationships. Of course, this may reflect the willingness of those who participate in research to admit to having problems. 

Fortunately, treatment is available at Coaching With Substance. For most individuals with this addiction the Coaching With Substance  rehab program has proven very successful. Statistics show that child physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse are very common factors in many cases.

If you or someone you love in the grips of a shopping addiction, call us today and let one of our COACHING WITH SUBSTANCE  (CWS) Addiction Recovery Coach Specialists assess your problem and set out a recovery coaching plan for you. Call us today 07 5606 6315 (7days)  

Confidentiality and privacy assured. INTERNATIONAL CALLERS 61 7 560 66315.

EMAIL info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au.  Website www.CoachingWithSubstance.org.au

Remember, you are a worthwhile person, no matter how much or how little you own.

We are Australia's leading award winning addiction treatment and rehab consultants for gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, eating and internet addiction, along with eating behavioural disorders and co-dependency for Australasia and New Zealand.

Maria Pau is a 4x No. 1 best-selling author on the subjects of addiction and co-dependency and spiritual wellness. She is the Program Director of Coaching with Substance, the first of its kind in Australia as registered public benevolent institution, charity and not-for profit association that focuses on wellness using coaching principles of peak performance. We run a cutting edge holistic addiction treatment program and outpatient rehabilitation consultancy firm that ensures you are released from the shackles of addiction once and for all.

Primary care at CWS is personalised to treat each individual using programs that integrate mind, body and soul. CWS programs are enhanced by highly effective group coaching and therapeutic processes as well as individual coaching, spiritual insights, therapy and extensive aftercare assistance.

All clients are thoroughly assessed by a highly trained and experienced recovery coach, registered provisional psychologist, ordained Monk, mental health officer and certified naturopaths (including Ayurveda and Acupuncturist). Clients may also be referred for psychometric testing and assessment, if needed. International clients welcome.

We welcome enquiries from all English speaking people from Asia, Europe, Africa, India and South America.

Sources:

Black, D. “A Review of Compulsive Buying Disorder.” World Psychiatry.

6:14-18. 2007.

Black, D. “Compulsive Buying Disorder: A Review of the Evidence.” CNS

Spectr. 12(2):124-32. Feb 2007.

Christenson G, Faber R, de Zwaan M, Raymond N, Specker S, Ekern

M, Mackenzie T, Crosby R, Crow S, Eckert E, et al. “Compulsive

buying: descriptive characteristics and psychiatric comorbidity.” J Clin

Psychiatry.55(1):5-11. Jan 1994.

McElroy S, Keck P Jr, Phillips K. “Kleptomania, compulsive buying, and

binge-eating disorder.” J Clin Psychiatry. 56 Suppl 4:14-26. 1995.

Mueller A, de Zwaan M. “Treatment of compulsive buying.” Fortschr

Neurol Psychiatr. 76:478-83. Aug 2008.

Tavares H, Lobo D, Fuentes D, Black D. “Compulsive Buying Disorder: A

Review and a Case Vignette.” Rev Bras Psiquiatr. 30 Suppl 1:S16-23. May

2008.

Poem - Mother Against Drugs

A poem about the perils of drug use written by a mother who's child got entangled in its seductive grip. The child is the dragon, and drugs are referred to as the tiger.

The Year Of The Dragon 1976

© Cheryl Chartier

Beautiful and bright was the Young Dragon. 

Capable and caring,  

Sensitive but strong,

The life of the Young Dragon

Couldn't go wrong.

Upright and steadfast,

Courageous with might,

Who knew the Dragon

Would get lost in the night.

For the Dragon met Tiger,

Who lured him away,

Into the jungle

Of life's tumultuous way.

Down the path of    

Destruction, sorrow and woes,

Down the path of

Seduction, deceit and morose.

The Tiger made promises

Which led Dragon astray,

Away from his mother, siblings and wife,

Away from the people who'd given him life.

Deep into the jungle  

Dragon followed Tiger.

Farther off the path of the good life

Deeper on the road of sorrow and strife.

And when the Dragon was

Broken, desolate and alone,

Looking through bars

At the life that he'd known,

Tiger smiled and nodded his head,

For the beautiful Dragon

Was standing alone

Far from his life, his family and home.

But Tiger underestimated

The Spirit of love,

Looking out for Dragon

From high up above.

Spirit opened doors

By providing the keys,

All Dragon had to do

Was reach for these.

Be strong Young Dragon,

Do what you must,

Before vicious Tiger,

Turns you to dust.

Reject all he offers,

Come back to the way.

We're waiting Dear Dragon,

Please join us today.

Come back from the jungle,

The Tiger and harm.

We're waiting Dear Dragon,

With wide-open arms.

The path will be twisted,

And hardships abound,

With determination as your companion,

You'll gain the high ground.

Your new life awaits you,

Grab on and demand

That the Tiger who holds you,

Desist and disband.

Shuck off your demons,

Dig deep down inside,

And know that the Spirit

Has nothing but pride.

Pride for the Dragon

Who was led astray,

Because Dragon has the courage

To keep Tiger at bay.

M. A. D.

(mother against drugs)

Mother's Day

May 9, 2004

Multiple Psychiatric Disorder Risk with Alcohol Dependence

First-degree relatives of people dependent on alcohol are not only at increased risk of becoming addicted to alcohol and other drugs such as cocaine, but also of developing psychiatric disorders such as depression and panic disorder, study findings indicate.

Noting that alcohol dependence tends to aggregate within families, John Nurnberger (Indiana University School of Medicine, Indianapolis, USA) and colleagues analysed data from the family collection of the Collaborative Study on the Genetics of Alcoholism to assess whether other psychiatric disorders may be also be more common in families with a history of alcoholism.

Data were available for 8296 relatives of people with alcohol dependence, 1654 individuals with no family history of alcoholism. The rate of DSM-IV alcohol dependence was 28.8% for relatives of people with the condition, compared with 14.4% for controls.

Overall, relatives of alcoholics were twice as likely to become addicted to alcohol as people without a family history of alcohol dependence.

Relatives of alcohol-dependent individuals were also at an increased risk of becoming addicted to other drugs, including cocaine, marijuana, opiates, sedatives, and stimulants. The greatest risk was for cocaine dependence, with relatives of individuals with alcoholism more than three times as likely as those without a family history of alcoholism to become dependant on the drug.

Moreover, relatives of alcoholics had a higher risk of depression, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and antisocial personality disorder than controls.

“The aggregation of antisocial personality disorder, drug dependence,

anxiety disorders, and mood disorders, suggests common mechanisms for

these disorders and alcohol dependence within some families,” Nurnberger

et al write in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

This represents a “shared specific genetic vulnerability,” they say, which

puts people at risk of a number of psychiatric disorders if they have a family

history of alcohol dependence.

If you or someone you love is suffering from the affects of growing up in an alcoholic family call us today for confidential help.

A professional Addiction Recovery Coach from  Coaching With Substance can guide and support you deal with the problem and save further misery for you and your family.

FOR HELP TODAY info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au  Confidentiality assured.

Ph 07 5606 6315 (7days) Web www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au

We are Australia's leading award winning addiction treatment and rehab consultants for gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, eating and internet addiction, along with eating behavioural disorders and co-dependency for Australasia and New Zealand.

Maria Pau is a 4x No. 1 best-selling author on the subjects of addiction and co-dependency and spiritual wellness. She is the Program Director of Coaching with Substance, the first of its kind in Australia as registered public benevolent institution, charity and not-for profit association that focuses on wellness using coaching principles of peak performance. We run a cutting edge holistic addiction treatment program and outpatient rehabilitation consultancy firm that ensures you are released from the shackles of addiction once and for all.

Primary care at CWS is personalised to treat each individual using programs that integrate mind, body and soul. CWS programs are enhanced by highly effective group coaching and therapeutic processes as well as individual coaching, spiritual insights, therapy and extensive aftercare assistance.

All clients are thoroughly assessed by a highly trained and experienced recovery coach, registered provisional psychologist, ordained Monk, mental health officer and certified naturopaths (including Ayurveda and Acupuncturist). Clients may also be referred for psychometric testing and assessment, if needed. International clients welcome.

We welcome enquiries from all English speaking people from Asia, Europe, Africa, India and South America.

Intimate Partner Violence The Role of Alcohol

Intimate Partner Violence: The Role of Alcohol

Episodes of intimate partner violence are associated with alcohol consumption. To explore this relationship further, researchers interviewed a

random sample of heterosexual couples at baseline and 5 years later. They assessed alcohol use and related problems, and the incidence (new cases)

and recurrence (cases at both follow-up and baseline) of male-to-female partner violence and female-to-male partner violence. Analyses included 1136 couples who were cohabitating and/or married at both baseline and follow-up. Partner violence was defined as a range of violent behaviours, such as slapping, kicking, forcing sex, and threatening with a gun or knife.

* At follow-up, the incidence of both female-to-male and male-to-female partner violence was only 6 percent. However, recurrence was more common (female-to-male violence 44 percent, male-to-female violence 39 percent).

* In unadjusted analyses, incidence and/or recurrence of partner violence was significantly associated with greater mean consumption by male perpetrators; heavy drinking (at least 5 drinks on an occasion in the past year) by male and female perpetrators; and/or alcohol problems among male and female perpetrators.

* Among these alcohol indicators, only mean consumption (among both female perpetrators and male victims) remained significantly associated with new or recurrent cases of female-to-male partner violence when analyses were adjusted for potential confounders.

Comments by Joseph Conigliaro, MD, MPH: Female-to-male partner violence was as common as male-to-female partner violence in this population-based sample, whereas male perpetration of partner violence is often the norm in clinical samples. Nevertheless, heavy episodic drinking, alcohol problems, and higher average alcohol consumption should be considered risk factors for partner violence and addressed in prevention efforts.

If you are suffering from alcohol or drug driven emotional or physical violence call us today for professional help. 

If you or someone you love is in the grips of addiction call us today for immediate help.

Coaching With Substance is Australia's No. 1 provider of Recovery Coaching Services and WINNER of 2014 Best Not-For-Profit in ALL Addictions.

Call us 07 5606 6315 (7days) Confidentiality assured.

Website www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au      

Email info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au

We are Australia's leading award winning addiction treatment and rehab consultants for gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, eating and internet addiction, along with eating behavioural disorders and co-dependency for Australasia and New Zealand.

Maria Pau is a 4x No. 1 best-selling author on the subjects of addiction and co-dependency and spiritual wellness. She is the Program Director of Coaching with Substance, the first of its kind in Australia as registered public benevolent institution, charity and not-for profit association that focuses on wellness using coaching principles of peak performance. We run a cutting edge holistic addiction treatment program and outpatient rehabilitation consultancy firm that ensures you are released from the shackles of addiction once and for all.

Primary care at CWS is personalised to treat each individual using programs that integrate mind, body and soul. CWS programs are enhanced by highly effective group coaching and therapeutic processes as well as individual coaching, spiritual insights, therapy and extensive aftercare assistance.

All clients are thoroughly assessed by a highly trained and experienced recovery coach, registered provisional psychologist, ordained Monk, mental health officer and certified naturopaths (including Ayurveda and Acupuncturist). Clients may also be referred for psychometric testing and assessment, if needed. International clients welcome.

We welcome enquiries from all English speaking people from Asia, Europe, Africa, India and South America.

AA 12 STEPS and POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

Whether your trauma was last month or 30 years ago, you feel helpless in the face of your symptoms. You struggle with issues of control and mastery. You wish you could control your symptoms. When you are alone, you wish you could go back in time and somehow prevent or stop your traumatic

experience.

Applying the twelve-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous requires an admission of powerlessness that is quite different from being overwhelmed by the traumatic force(s) that shattered your being and sense of safety.

In this instance, you admit that you could not control what happened to you. Also, you admit that you cannot manage the symptoms you experience. You hit a bottom in your experience of your life as it is. So much so, that you become willing to take the actions suggested in the remaining steps.

In essence, the difference between your admission of powerlessness and the helplessness of your trauma is one of a willingness to take action. Trauma helplessness is passive.
            Recovery powerlessness is active.

* This is a paradox. You admit you are powerless; so that you are able to take action.

Spirituality

For the purpose of this article we will be using the term God.  This word can be replaced with a word from whatever spiritual beliefs you may hold i.e.  a Higher Power, the Source, the Universe or any other name.

Many trauma survivors have a problem with spirituality. In fact, you may have one or more of the following issues with spiritual beliefs and a Higher Power concept.

* Where was God?  

* What do I believe in now?

* How do I reconcile a belief in God with what has happened?

* How do I face the reality of my fragile life?

* How can I trust God again now that I know bad things can happen to me?

* I cannot forgive my perpetrator

* I am lacking in my faith.

* Why???

* How can I believe in a Higher Power when there is evil and cruelty in the

world?

* How does God view suffering in the world?

* What is the meaning of what happened?

* I don’t feel safe anywhere.

* My life no longer feels predictable

* I am angry with God, is He angry with me?

* I feel like God abandoned me.

* I feel betrayed by God.

* What is my relationship to God now?

* I feel ashamed; God wouldn’t want me anymore.

* I feel dirty; so, I cannot get close to God.

* I feel distanced from the community now that this happened.

* No one will ever understand.

* Am I at fault?

* I feel so powerlessness.

* What do I believe in now?

* How do I make sense out of what happened?

* I no longer understand the meaning of life.

* Where is there value in my suffering?

* My perpetrator was never punished, what now?

* I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Goodness doesn’t protect anyone.

* How can I believe in a loving, all-powerful God after what happened? How do I resolve my feelings of guilt with a faith in a Higher Power?

* I still feel God abandoned me.

* It is difficult to think of God as a loving Father after what my own father did to me.

These are very deep questions.

You have a right to this difficult struggle with ideas related to faith and belief in God. Your struggle doesn’t prevent you from working a 12-step program of recovery. In fact, being in this struggle is one aspect of working a 12-step program of recovery on your PTSD.

All that is required to work this aspect of a 12-step program is a willingness to face these issues. You do not have to believe in God to start working a program of recovery. What is needed is an open mind and a resolve to work through the spiritual damage done to every trauma survivor. Spiritual recovery from trauma comes when you make your peace with a belief in a higher power even though this awful trauma happened to you.

Moral Inventory, Defects of Character and Shortcomings

The easiest way for me to tell you how to apply the ideas from steps four, five, six, and seven to your PTSD is to tell you what this is not:

* It does not include all the things your perpetrator told you to justify their behaviour.

* It is not anything told you by another person about yourself; especially those things that begin with the sentence: “The trouble with you is….”

* It is not self-abuse.

* It is not the toxic shame many of you feel

* It is not blaming yourself for your traumatic experience.

* It is not taking responsibility for another person’s bad behavior.

With these ideas in hand, you can safely use the AA Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous and the AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to follow these steps and support your recovery from PTSD.

Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over our trauma and the effects of the trauma–that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as

we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and the

effects of our trauma on our lives.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact

nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to survivors of trauma, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Adapted from The 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous

If you or someone you love is in the grips of PTSD and addiction call us today for immediate help.

Coaching With Substance is Australia's No. 1 provider of Recovery Coaching Services and WINNER of 2014 Best Not-For-Profit in ALL Addictions.

Call us 07 5606 6315 (7days) Confidentiality assured.

Website www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au .  Email info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au

Action for Parents

Action for Parents

Despite all of your efforts to keep your kids drug-free, one day you might suspect that your son or daughter is using drugs or alcohol. Perhaps you have found an odd-looking pipe in his room, cans and bottles in the car or rolling papers in her laundry. Or you overheard a conversation not meant for you. Whatever the signal, your gut instinct has been activated. How do you know if you need to do anything? What do you do now? Where do you turn for help?

Every day, approximately 1,700 Australian youth under age 18 try

marijuana for the first time. This is a very disturbing statistic. In 2003, nearly nine out of 10 year 12 students reported marijuana as being easily accessible to them.

By the time they finish year 8, approximately 50 percent of adolescents have had at least one drink, and more than 20 percent report having been “drunk.” Drug and alcohol use by teens increases the risk of addiction and can change the developing brain for life.

Despite these statistics, one thing remains true:

Parents are the most important influence in a teen’s decisions about drug use. You can and do make a difference. If you suspect or know that your child is using drugs, take action now, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be to deal with your child’s drug use.

If your teen is using drugs or alcohol call Coaching With Substance today for help 07 5606 6315 (7days) confidentiality assured..   Family education and support is a significant part of the Program.  Coaching With Substance is Australia's No. 1 provider of Recovery Coaching Services and WINNER of 2014 Best Not-For-Profit in ALL Addictions.

Website www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au      

Email info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au

Gambling and Suicide

Gambling and Suicide

ScienceDaily (Nov. 24, 2010) — 

Pathological gamblers are risking more than their money, they are also three times more likely to commit suicide than non-betters. A new Montreal inter-university study has shown these gamblers are also plagued by personality disorders. These findings, published in a recent issue of the Psychology of Addictive Behaviours, may have implications for developing improved targeted suicide prevention programs.

"The World Health Organization estimates that suicide is one of the top ten causes of death in the Western world," says study co-author, Richard Boyer a Université de Montréal professor and researcher at the Centre de recherché Fernand-Seguin at the Louis-H. Lafontaine Hospital. "In addition, pathological gamblers account for five percent of all suicides. These staggering statistics motivated us to study the difference between gamblers and non-gamblers."

Gamblers have more personality disorders.

The study examined 122 suicides between 2006 and 2009, of which 49 were

pathological gamblers. Data from the coroner's files were compiled and

psychological autopsy interviews with families and friends of the deceased

were completed.

"Our findings showed that those gamblers who commit suicide had twice as

many specific personality disorders as other suicide victims," says co-author

Alain Lesage, also from the Université de Montréal.

"These personality disorders seem to significantly increase the risk of

suicide for compulsive gamblers," says Boyer. "Three lethal elements

are generally recognized: depression, alcohol or drug consumption and a

personality disorder. These psychiatric disorders can in-turn interact with

each other. For example, the depression can lead to the alcohol or drug

consumption, which in turn leads to greater financial problems, which

amplifies the depression."

Gamblers don't consult health professionals

The study also showed that gamblers who committed suicide were three

times less likely to have consulted a health service in the year preceding

their death. "Gamblers don't consult professionals because they believe the problem will

solve itself," says Boyer. "They believe their financial or alcohol or drug

problems are the result of gambling and therefore they seek a solution in

gambling rather than get help."

Twelve percent of gamblers admitted to a friend or family member having

spent over $5,000 in a given day. And 70 percent had borrowed the money

to play. "Parents and health professionals should be more vigilant in looking for

signs of suicide among pathological gamblers," says Boyer. "The sooner this

disorder is diagnosed the sooner therapy can begin and the better chances

for success."

Editor's Note: This article is not intended to provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

If you or someone you love are in the grips of Pathological Gambling call us today for immediate   Ph 07 5606 6315 (7days) confidential help. 

A professional Addiction Recovery Coach from COACHING WITH SUBSTANCE can guide and support you deal with the problem and save further misery for you and your family.

FOR HELP TODAY info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au  Confidentiality assured.

 Web www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au

Why Women Stay with Controlling Men

Why Women Stay with Controlling Men

Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day? Why, oh why, would a woman allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed by her boyfriend’s threats that he will kill himself or her or both if she even talks about leaving a relationship that is going nowhere?

There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better; in spite of protestations that he loves you; in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going; see if you recognise yourself in any of these common reasons.

But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for relationships to have some challenging times. Reasons for staying become problems when they become excuses or ways we fool ourselves into believing that things aren’t that bad when in fact they are.

If you keep getting hurt; if you know in your heart that the relationship is diminishing you but you still keep going back for more, it may be time for you to get into therapy or to find the resources in your community that help women extricate themselves from a controlling or abusive relationship.

8 Bad Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships

1. Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff – at least at first. 

When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?

As your guy was so insecure, he needed control, and his attention gradually

became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all

the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.

2. Because these guys can be absolutely charming.

You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason.  He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance.

Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…

3. Because you don’t feel you deserve any better. 

Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or

incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.

4. Because you don’t know any better. 

All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. All your girlfriends complain about men who don’t do their share and who stopped being “Mr. Wonderful” long

ago. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Although you can agree in theory that women deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by the men who love them, you’ve never seen such a relationship up close and personal.

5. Because he scares you or manipulates you. 

There are men who aren’t a bit subtle about their need for control. Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around.

When he goes into a rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So you do everything you can to prevent it – including staying.

The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women. They say they will commit suicide if you leave – and it will be all your fault. They are masters at making you feel guilty even when you don’t have a clue what you are guilty for. Fights inevitably shift to all the things you’ve done wrong – or at least wronger than him. You end up staying to make amends and make it right or because you can’t bear the idea of living with the guilt if he hurts himself.

6. Because you truly believe you can change him. 

Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you

hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. All you have to do is find the right words and behave in the right way, and you’ll have the man of your dreams. Love conquers all, right? Wrong. No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it. He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight. Even though you know all this, you convince yourself that you’re an exception. You’re going to find a way.

7. Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. 

You’ve been alone and it’s lonely. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Even picking up his laundry, cooking meals he doesn’t

appreciate, and fighting with him is more appealing than coming home to an empty house. If he does help pay the bills and do a few chores (and especially if he pays most of the bills and can be counted on to do some of the heavy work), it’s even harder to think about going it alone. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person

is really, really hard. Maintaining the fiction that you have a partner feels better than dealing with the            
                                                                               reality of going it alone.

8. Because you love him. 

The most common answer I get when I ask women why they stay in bad relationships is “because I love him.” Love isn’t always rational, it’s true. There’s no accounting for chemistry. But the fact is that love, especially one-sided love, isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s like one hand clapping.

If you are always on the giving end in the relationship; if you’ve accepted indifference, abuse, or manipulation because you don’t believe you deserve or can get better, it’s time to take charge of your life and to make some changes. If your guy will agree, try out couples therapy. Couples can and do change with commitment to the process and love for each other. If your boyfriend won’t join you in the project, get some therapy for yourself. Build up your self-esteem, develop the skills you need to be successful in the world, and increase your confidence in yourself. A stronger you will be able

to hold out for the loving relationship that you deserve.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN THE GRIPS OF A CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP, CALL US TODAY FOR HELP ON 07 5606 6315.

EMAIL: info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au 

See our website: www.CoachingWithSubstance.Org.Au