Addiction in the Family and How Its Effects Can Kill Everyone Involved

                               Addiction in the Family

Addiction in the Family Addiction is a complex issue. It affects every member of the family and can have a lasting impact on their lives. The effect on family members varies from person to person and family to family. Family members may become co-dependent on the addiction.

How Does an Addiction Develop?

Addiction is a process rather than an event. In the beginning, people often don’t experience any difficulties. As their use continues, they may begin to focus more on the alcohol, drugs or gambling than they do on the other areas of their lives. This process is often influenced by a number of factors, including the culture they live in, life events, their biological makeup and their relationships with family and friends.

Researchers have looked at genetics, environment, and the combination of these two to explain how dependence develops. Right now, it’s believed that some people are genetically susceptible to becoming dependent. But this by itself is not enough to develop an addiction. A person’s life circumstances play an important role in determining whether or not a person becomes dependent.

How Does an Addiction Affect the Family?

When a family member has a dependency, the whole family usually develops ways of coping with the problems associated with the dependency. Often, there is less communication: the family avoids talking about the issue, avoids expressing emotions, and may keep the addiction secret from the community. Some family members may take on some of the responsibilities abandoned by the addicted person. This is called co-dependency.

While these coping strategies may help the family to operate more smoothly and get along better, they may also allow the dependency to continue. Unfortunately, family members may also use alcohol, drugs or gambling themselves as a way of coping with the problems in their family.

Members of an addicted family often experience loneliness, frustration, fear, anger and shame. They may also feel a sense of hopelessness about the situation. It’s important for them to realize that the addiction is not their fault. Often, seeking outside help from a Treatment Rehab, support group or professional counsellor can help them cope with what is going on in their family.

How Does an Addiction Affect the Children?

Addiction often creates an unstable family environment. Parents may not effectively discipline their children or provide them with training in basic life skills. Children may feel insecure or unloved. They may also begin to take on adult responsibilities that are not appropriate to their age.

Children in families where an addiction is present are more likely to show anti-social behaviour and have problems such as skipping school, aggressiveness, hyperactivity and eating disorders.

Is There Any Good News?

Living with an addicted person is not easy, but most children are resilient. This means that they can overcome these difficult circumstances and become strong, healthy adults. They build on their own and others’ strengths. For those who may have resulting problems, help is available by calling us.

If you just want to do more research, a good starting point is to talk to people who have experienced a family addiction or alcoholism. Contact Al-anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Look in your local phone book or go to Al-anon or call us to point you in the right direction.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN THE GRIPS OF AN ADDICTION CALL US TODAY FOR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. PHONE 07 560 66315

 

Web: www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au

Email: info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au

About Coaching With Substance

 

We are Australia's leading award winning addiction treatment and rehab consultants for gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, eating and internet addiction, along with eating behavioural disorders and co-dependency.

Maria Pau is a 4x No. 1 best-selling author on the subjects of addiction and co-dependency and spiritual wellness. She is the Program Director of Coaching with Substance, the first registered public benevolent institution, charity and not-for profit association in Australia that focuses on wellness instead of illness, using coaching principles for peak performance. We run a cutting edge holistic addiction treatment program and outpatient rehabilitation consultancy firm that ensures you are released from the shackles of addiction once and for all.

Primary care at CWS is personalised to treat each individual using programs that integrate mind, body and soul. CWS programs are enhanced by highly effective group coaching and therapeutic processes as well as individual coaching, spiritual insights, therapy and extensive aftercare assistance.

All clients are thoroughly assessed by a highly trained and experienced recovery coach, registered provisional psychologist, ordained mystic, mental health officer and certified naturopaths (including Ayurveda and Acupuncturist). Clients may also be referred for psychometric testing and assessment, if needed. International clients welcome.

We also welcome enquiries from English speaking people from Asia, Europe, Africa, India and South America.

Why Women Stay with Controlling Men

Why Women Stay with Controlling Men

Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day? Why, oh why, would a woman allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed by her boyfriend’s threats that he will kill himself or her or both if she even talks about leaving a relationship that is going nowhere?

There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better; in spite of protestations that he loves you; in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going; see if you recognise yourself in any of these common reasons.

But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for relationships to have some challenging times. Reasons for staying become problems when they become excuses or ways we fool ourselves into believing that things aren’t that bad when in fact they are.

If you keep getting hurt; if you know in your heart that the relationship is diminishing you but you still keep going back for more, it may be time for you to get into therapy or to find the resources in your community that help women extricate themselves from a controlling or abusive relationship.

8 Bad Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships

1. Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff – at least at first. 

When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?

As your guy was so insecure, he needed control, and his attention gradually

became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all

the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.

2. Because these guys can be absolutely charming.

You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason.  He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance.

Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…

3. Because you don’t feel you deserve any better. 

Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or

incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.

4. Because you don’t know any better. 

All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. All your girlfriends complain about men who don’t do their share and who stopped being “Mr. Wonderful” long

ago. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Although you can agree in theory that women deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by the men who love them, you’ve never seen such a relationship up close and personal.

5. Because he scares you or manipulates you. 

There are men who aren’t a bit subtle about their need for control. Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around.

When he goes into a rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So you do everything you can to prevent it – including staying.

The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women. They say they will commit suicide if you leave – and it will be all your fault. They are masters at making you feel guilty even when you don’t have a clue what you are guilty for. Fights inevitably shift to all the things you’ve done wrong – or at least wronger than him. You end up staying to make amends and make it right or because you can’t bear the idea of living with the guilt if he hurts himself.

6. Because you truly believe you can change him. 

Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you

hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. All you have to do is find the right words and behave in the right way, and you’ll have the man of your dreams. Love conquers all, right? Wrong. No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it. He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight. Even though you know all this, you convince yourself that you’re an exception. You’re going to find a way.

7. Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. 

You’ve been alone and it’s lonely. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Even picking up his laundry, cooking meals he doesn’t

appreciate, and fighting with him is more appealing than coming home to an empty house. If he does help pay the bills and do a few chores (and especially if he pays most of the bills and can be counted on to do some of the heavy work), it’s even harder to think about going it alone. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person

is really, really hard. Maintaining the fiction that you have a partner feels better than dealing with the            
                                                                               reality of going it alone.

8. Because you love him. 

The most common answer I get when I ask women why they stay in bad relationships is “because I love him.” Love isn’t always rational, it’s true. There’s no accounting for chemistry. But the fact is that love, especially one-sided love, isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s like one hand clapping.

If you are always on the giving end in the relationship; if you’ve accepted indifference, abuse, or manipulation because you don’t believe you deserve or can get better, it’s time to take charge of your life and to make some changes. If your guy will agree, try out couples therapy. Couples can and do change with commitment to the process and love for each other. If your boyfriend won’t join you in the project, get some therapy for yourself. Build up your self-esteem, develop the skills you need to be successful in the world, and increase your confidence in yourself. A stronger you will be able

to hold out for the loving relationship that you deserve.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN THE GRIPS OF A CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP, CALL US TODAY FOR HELP ON 07 5606 6315.

EMAIL: info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au 

See our website: www.CoachingWithSubstance.Org.Au 

Alcoholic / Addicted Family Roles

Alcoholic / Addicted Family Roles

The members of an alcoholic /addicted family adopt roles to maintain peace and balance among themselves. One researcher likened this to a ‘mobile’ hanging from the ceiling where each piece keeps the others in balance.

When one piece of the mobile changes or falls off the others become chaotic and out of balance.

When the family is chaotic, out of balance the others try to compensate to restore balance. Children are especially vulnerable to these dynamics.

One model that is helpful in identifying child behaviours is that of Sharon Wegscheider (1981).  In this model children adopt various coping and

enabling roles.

Little caretaker

The little caretaker role is often a carbon copy of the partner of the alcoholic. They take care of the alcoholic; getting drinks, cleaning up after the alcoholic and soothing over stressful situations and events. They are validated by approval for taking responsibility for the alcoholic and their behaviour. This little person often goes on to become a partner of an alcoholic or other dysfunctional person if they do not get treatment.

Family hero

The family hero role brings pride to the family by being successful at school or work. At home, the hero assumes the responsibilities that the enabling parent abdicates. By being overly involved in work or school, they can avoid dealing with the real problem at home and patterns of workaholism can develop. Although portraying the image of self-confidence and success, the hero may feel inadequate and experience the same stress-relatedsymptoms as the enabler.

                                                                                    Scapegoat

The scapegoat role diverts attention away from the chemically dependent person’s behaviour by acting out their anger. Because other family members sublimate their anger, the scapegoat has no role model for healthy expression of this normal feeling. They become at high risk for self-destructive behaviours and may be hospitalised with a variety of traumatic injuries. Although all the children are genetically vulnerable to alcoholism, this child is often considered the highest risk because of their association with risk-taking activities and peers. Although tough and defiant, the scapegoat is also in pain.

Lost child

The lost child role withdraws from family and social activities to escape the problem. Family members feel that they do not need to worry about them because they are quiet and appear content. They leave the family without departing physically by being involved with television, video games, or reading. These children do not bring attention to themselves, but also do not learn to interact with peers. Many clinicians have noted that bulimia is common in chemically dependent families and feel this child is prone to satisfy their pain through eating.

Family clown

The family clown role brings comic relief to the family. Often the youngest

child, they try to get attention by being cute or funny. With family

reinforcement, their behavior continues to be immature and they may have

difficulty learning in school.

If you identify with any of these symptoms get help today from one of our Recovery Coaches here at Coaching With Substance  
CALL (7days) 07 5606 6315.  International Clients welcome. 
All assessments are strictly confidential.
Webpage: www.coachingwithsubstance.org.au 

EMAIL: info@coachingwithsubstance.org.au